Have you ever noticed that in general people very few times tell you that you´re doing good in the tasks they have asked you to do? Why does nobody tell you that you´re doing the things right? People always ask you to achieve perfection, to do everything in the right manner, at the right time, the first time.
When you have a deadline or some task to finish, most of the critics from your superiors point to things that you´re doing wrong and to things that you must become better at. Just as if the road to perfection is like going against the tide where everything you do is wrong until you achieve perfection. Why is it so difficult for people to tell you that you´re doing good in the task? Maybe they act like this because they are paying you for that, so it’s the minimum acceptable qualification you must achieve to earn what you´ve been paying for. Maybe they don´t say it to avoid you to think that you´re almost done or for not slow down the pace.
Right now, I´m reading a book (Unlimited Power: The New Science of Personal Achievement by Anthony Robbins) that explains 2 kinds of people. The ones that have an exterior framework or the ones that have an interior framework. I’ll try to define both briefly. Exterior framework people need other people comments to feel they´ve achieved a goal in a good way or that the task has been completed. If someone else mentions it, then it must be well done, because its coming from a third party. So, it must be a valid comment and must be truth. In other words, these kinds of people let other people to qualify their job, in order to feel comfortable. They close and finalize the circle of a task when someone else slaps him on the back.
In the other hand, interior framework people don´t need validation from other people, they measure their work with their own internal rules. They don´t give too much importance to other people comments. They set a goal and when they get it, they feel complete no matter what the critics says because their motivation and the level of success they must achieve comes from the interior. Probably, in case of exist, other people comments are just extra but no fundamental. At the same time and in the other way around when they finish a task that is well received and acclaimed by others but does not feel like a well-done job for them, they are unsatisfied.
So, don´t forget to give those approval comments when you see that somebody is getting things done correctly. Not everything in life is corrections. And in case the person who you are giving the comments is an exterior framework person feel good that you´re helping him with your approval comments to achieve his goals and objectives. In case this guy is and interior framework person, feel good just because you´re giving back positivism towards someone else’s work and because you are appreciating it, it’s on the other person hands to take it or not. It’s important that you only give the approval comments when you really mean it, when its really coming from inside of your being, and that sensation must be real. It’s better to remain quiet than to tell a lie.
Tell me, what type of person you are? Interior or exterior framework?
To finish the post I would like to recommend a TED talk by Julia Galef that talks about “why you think you’re right, even if you’re wrong.”
I came back to the post because I read something related and wanted to share it on the same post. This means that this will be living post that can be evolving over time.
This comes from Anthony De Mello´s book “Awareness” and is just an excerpt to keep reflecting on the idea of approval by others:
Page 41. Do you like being prison? Do you like being controlled? Let me tell you something: If you ever let yourself feel good when people tell you that you’re O.K., you are preparing yourself to feel bad when they tell you you’re not good. As long as you live to fulfill other people’s expectations, you better watch what you wear, how you comb your hair, whether your shoes are polished, in short, whether you live up to every damned expectation of theirs. Do you call that human?